I completely agree with the writers of Pirates when they say, "The thing that you really want are reviews that are critical, that are analytical, eloquent, insightful and actually help elevate the understanding of the movie."
Because most comics critics and bloggers don't get paid for their reviews, I guess I expect a certain amount of amateurism from that group. It's interesting to me though to read these screenwriters' perception on film critics who -- presumably -- are getting paid. Of course, I don't know what specific reviews they're referring to in the article, so they could be talking about unpaid bloggers. But regardless of whether or not you're getting paid for your work, if you're going to write a review of something, you should follow these screenwriters' advice and give some thought to the actual subject you're reviewing. A "three-paragraph-long extended metaphor where you're comparing the movie to something that happened to you at Disneyland" is just silly. It makes you look bad; not the movie.