5 Movies I Didn't Care For from 2014

35. I, Frankenstein



A lot of people give the Underworld movies a hard time, but I genuinely and unironically love them. So when I heard that the creators of that were taking on my favorite monster of all time, I didn't expect the bland, forgettable mess that it it was. My hope was that if it was bad it would at least fail spectacularly, but it doesn't take enough chances for that. It's not awful, it's just lukewarm, and that's the worse crime.

34. Transformers: Age of Extinction



I thought I'd given up on the Transformers movies after the second one and didn't see the third, but they pulled me back in with dinosaurs. And I admit that Pain and Gain softened some of my distaste for Michael Bay movies. Age of Extinction has all of Bay's usual flaws though and the dinosaurs don't even show up until the final act, so I think I can safely say that I'm out again. Unless Stanley Tucci comes back, because he's awesome and his character is awesome and I pretty much want a movie that's just about him. But please lets not have any Transformers or Michael Bay in it.

33. This Is Where I Leave You



I love these big family comedy-dramas with huge casts and my mouth was watering to watch one with Jason Bateman, Tina Fey, and Timothy Olyphant in it. It has its funny moments, but sadly the characters don't feel like real people. Instead, they're just problems in need of solutions and the only answers the movie has for them are trite and unconvincing.

32. The November Man



Though the Pierce Brosnan Bond films are my least-favorite run in that series, it's not because of Brosnan and I usually like him in other kinds of spy movies. But this isn't one of his better ones. It makes a brave choice in pitting Brosnan's older spy against his younger protege and not giving the audience an easy choice of whom to root for. Unfortunately, that approach backfires. Both men are seriously screwed up and both have moments of heroism, but they're balanced so well against each other that I gave up caring who would win. Instead, I focused on Olga Kurylenko. Which isn't a horrible option. She's not a main character and doesn't get enough screen time, but when she is there she's pretty great.

31. The Monuments Men



I wrote a pretty thorough post on my problems with The Monuments Men, but the short version is that while it has a great cast and characters I cared about, it asked me to take their mission more seriously than it did. I wanted either a fun heist movie or a film that would make me feel deeply about the importance of art, but by trying to be something in between, The Monuments Men is neither of those things.

LXB | True Geek Confessions

This week's League assignment:

What is something you absolutely hate or love or just don’t get, or maybe it’s something you have never even seen or read. What is your deepest, darkest geek confession?

I came up with something that fits each of those categories.

• Something I Hate That Everyone Else Loves: The first season of Heroes. I knew after two or three episodes that the show wasn't for me. I'm not saying that I'm cooler than anyone else because of that; just that whatever qualities the show had early on that everyone liked and that it eventually lost: I wasn't able to see them.
• Something I Love That Everyone Else Hates: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. I explained why at the time.
• Something I Don't Get That Everyone Else Seems To: Transformers. The cartoons, the movies, the toys. All of it. I probably understand most why the toys are cool, but I was just older than the target audience when the cartoon came out and was never able to get into it. Michael Bay did nothing to help me out with that.
• Something I've Never Seen That Everyone Else Has: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I saw the Kristy Swanson movie in the theater and - while I liked it okay - it wasn't anything that I thought I should watch on a weekly basis. By the time everyone was saying how great it was, it was far enough along that I wanted to start from the beginning and have just never gotten around to it. 

Do you have a pop culture secret? Share below!

June Theatrical Releases

I haven't done this feature in a while because it's time-consuming, but I never have come up with a better way to keep track of what's coming out when (other than asking my brother-in-law/movie-buddie Dave every week, "So, what are we watching next week?").

The way this works is that I list the movies coming out this month that I'm interested in seeing. They may or may not be adventure movies and I may or may not care about seeing them in the theater. That's why there's no Land of the Lost below, but four romantic comedies.

All in all, it's going to be a sucky month at the movies.



5 June

Away We Go: (limited release) I mostly want to see this for John Krasinski, but the trailer looks pretty good too. Of the four romantic comedies coming out this month that I'm interested in, this is the only one that looks anything like an original idea.

The Hangover: Not to get all prudy or anything, but drunken comedy isn't really my bag. What makes me curious about this one is a) Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms are in it, and b) the whole mystery angle of trying to figure out what happened the night before. Mike Tyson just about kills the whole thing for me though, so I'm very on the fence about it.

My Life in Ruins: Romantic Comedy #2. Pros: Nia Vardalos and the Greek scenery. Cons: the trailer makes it look totally predictable and not-funny.

12 June

The Taking of Pelham 123: John Travolta's ability to annoy me is directly proportional to the goofiness of his facial hair. I think I'm in for an annoying time with this one that even Denzel isn't likely to save me from. But it's the closest thing to a thriller in a while and I'm ready for one.

Moon: (limited release) It looks like someone's figured out how to take the best parts of 2001: A Space Odyssey and make an interesting movie out of them.

19 June

Year One: Con: Jack Black. Pros: Michael Cera, Harold Ramis, reminds me of History of the World. Pros win.

The Proposal: Romantic Comedy #3. Looks even more predictable than My Life in Ruins, but I also laughed more in the trailer for this one. Or maybe just smiled. Either way, it's because I like Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. I guess it's not cool to like Sandra Bullock anymore, but I can't help it.

Whatever Works: Romantic Comedy #4. I wasn't a faithful follower of Curb Your Enthusiasm, but I liked what I saw thanks to Larry David. I also tend to like more Woody Allen movies than I don't.

Dead Snow: I can tell you both everything that's right and wrong about this movie in two words: Nazi Zombies.

26 June

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: This is supposed to be the exciting movie for the month and I'm just having a hard time caring about it. I'll go because it's the only blockbuster out this month, but I actually got bored during the final battle in the first movie and both Michael Bay and Megan Fox have gone way out of their way lately to make me not like them. Plus: The Pointer Sisters? Really?


How about you? What are you interested in seeing this month?

But I did direct The Rock.

I've been wanting to do a write-up on the awesome play Diane and I saw on Friday, but I haven't been feeling well all weekend. I'm on the mend, but I'm too distracted to give it the thought I want.

That also means that I'm going to ease into blogging this week. Here are some odds and ends to start with.

Robert Zemeckis' Christmas Carol might not suck



Oh, it certainly won't be amongst my favorite versions. Not with Jim Carrey as Ebenezer. But Zemeckis makes a good point about the motion-capture technique being well-suited to accurately represent the ghosts. Especially Christmas Past. That one seems to baffle everyone who tries it.

We'll see. Though I'm a huge fan of the story, there have been enough great adaptations of it that I'm in no way invested in the success or failure of this one.

Lemony Snicket sequel?

Speaking of Jim Carrey... I wasn't nearly as annoyed with him in A Series of Unfortunate Events as I thought I'd be. But I still sort of thought it was too bad we couldn't get a whole movie in the style of those end credits.



Turns out, we may be getting something similar to that in the form of a stop-motion animated sequel. I'm still mad at Brad Silbering for Land of the Lost, but if he pulls this off and it's good I'll be willing to pretend that never happened.

I'm not really directing Transformers 2.

In spite of what this article says:

The Autobots that appeared in the Transformers are also going to be the part of the sequel, but with some exclusions and also some additions. In the case of the sequel, director Michael May has said that the focus on the individuality of each robot, rather than focusing on the number of robots, is kept in mind.

I know. With grammar like that, how could you not trust it? But honestly, I'm not. Sorry for the confusion.

The Awesome List: Monster Game Night

Friends with E.T.



San Francisco's Gallery Nineteen Eighty Eight is selling art prints of Scott Campbell's wonderful "Friends with E.T." series (thanks, /Film!). Click through to see E.T. also hanging out with Transformers, them Duke boys, and the Masters of the Universe.

It's especially nice to see him playing Hungry Hungry Hippo with the monsters though. Game Night with those guys is always a blast.



Poor Frankenstein.

Galactus' Happy Helmet



That sounded dirty, didn't it? Sorry about that.

The point is that I never realized that there was a face on Galactus' helmet until Kerry Callen pointed it out. What's more, he tracks it as it gets more and more giddy over Marvel's publishing history. I deliberately posted the earliest version. You've got to click through and look at the last image. I promise it's worth it.

Tiki Paintings



By Anthony Carpenter. There are a couple of more - just as good - at the link.

Adventureblog Theater: The Transformers movie that might have been

Wonder what the live action Transformers would've looked like if they'd kept the original designs? Pretty cool, actually.

On a routine expedition...

How do I suck? Let me count the ways. Didn't post again yesterday, obviously.

Because I pick up my son from school on Mondays and Wednesdays, it's been messing with my schedule and I haven't quite adapted yet. I'll figure it out, but in the meantime, I appreciate everyone's patience on those two days.

Here are the monster/robot links that I should've posted yesterday:

Giant Monsters

I haven't even bought Beasts! Volume 1 yet and they're already announcing Volume 2. I gotta step up my game.

Will Ferrell's Land of the Lost movie is a go. My initial feeling is disappointment that instead of getting a cool, dinosaur adventure movie, we're apparently getting a silly comedy. But when Dan Taylor expressed similar concerns, writer Chris Henchy contacted him and let him know that "everything that fans loved about Land of the Lost will be in the movie… everything. Rest assured, we have the blessing of the Kroffts on this one." So... keeping an open mind.

In a review of Winsor McCay's The Complete Dream of the Rarebit Fiend, needcoffe.com reveals compiler Ulrich Merkl's assertion that "McCay introduced the entire 'giant monster attacks metropolitan city' genre, predating King Kong and Godzilla." I've loved McCay since I got that huge Little Nemo in Slumberland Sundays collection. Now I love him even more.

It doesn't get much better than Powerpuff Girls vs. Giant Monsters.

And I thought the Transmorphers movie was sadly hilarious. Little did I know...

Giant Robots

Some Chinese Transformers nerds have built an $8000, 1300 pound Bumblebee statue.

At least this person made one that you can actually get inside.

I've never really thought of the War of the Worlds Martian tripods as giant robots, but I guess they are as much as the ones in Kill All Monsters! (which are piloted by humans, at least at first). So, in that light, it seems kind of appropriate that I point you towards this cool gallery of War of the Worlds book covers with all manner of tripod designs on them.

Here's a review of Super Robot Wars OVA.

Giant Monsters Versus Giant Robots!

Negadon: The Monster from Mars is an apparently very good, short, CGI film. Just added it to my Amazon Wish List.

Up from the depths, thirty stories high...

Today's monster is by Bob MacNeil. (Thanks to the indispensable Giant Monsters Attack! for the link.)

My five-year-old son David is a total Godzilla nerd now. On Wednesdays, I pick him up from school and we immediately head to the comic book store. I also pick him up on Mondays and he always asks me, "Are we going to the comic book store?"

"No, that's on Wednesday."

So, on Wednesdays, when I say, "Yep! Today's the day!," he's all, "Yay! Comic book store! Comic book store!"

Only he's not necessarily looking for comics when he goes. He's looking for Godzilla stuff.

Godzilla comics are okay (we picked up Art Adams' Creature Features a couple of weeks ago), but he'd be just as happy with a toy or a movie if I was willing to shell out that much. One of the employees at the store is also a Godzilla fan and he and David talk Fire Rodan, King Ghidorah, and the origins of Black Mothra and White Mothra as I stand by and realize what my friends and I sound like to my wife whenever the topic of Hellboy comes up.

A little while ago we found a couple of DVDs from the Hanna Barbera Godzilla cartoon. I'd forgotten how much I liked that show as a kid. Godzilla has a cool fight with a different giant-monster each week, the human characters are all likable and pretty smart, and it's amazing that I actually, really like Godzooky. I usually hate the tiny-version-of-the-hero sidekicks, but Godzooky manages to be funny and endearing instead of annoying.

In other giant monster news, Quick Stop Entertainment's "DVD Late Show" reviews some "B" movie DVDs, including Space Amoeba, which I now really have to see.

Last night, I watched Curse of the Komodo and Komodo vs. Cobra. TiVo had picked them up because of the Jungle Island Filled with Giant Monsters angle, but they had way more in common than just that. Curse was filmed in 2004; KvC was made a year later by the same director, many of the same actors, shot at the same location, and featuring the exact same plot with much of the same dialogue. The only difference in the plot was that Curse had a group of thieves stranded on the island with the scientists and monsters, and KvC turned them into environmental activists. And added a giant cobra. (Which is cool, but then KvC lost points for actually making the komodo look worse than it did in the first one. No small feat.) They're in no way "good," but if you have any kind of affection for bad "B" movies, they have their points.

And speaking of bad "B" movies, Dragon War 2 is coming.

So is Transformers 2.