10 Greatest Giant Monsters of ALL TIME!

So, this started with Godzilla: Rulers of Earth. Siskoid and I got to talking on Twitter about the 1998 American Godzilla (aka Zilla) and I admitted that I like her design. It doesn't work that the filmmakers tried to put her over as the Godzilla, but as her own monster, she works for me. Siskoid replied that he wouldn't include Zilla on his personal Top 10 Kaiju list and our blogging genes immediately lit up. Personal Top 10 Kaiju lists are things that need documenting. (Spoiler: Zilla doesn't make mine either.)

To make this a full blown blog crossover EVENT, Siskoid also recruited BW Media Spotlight and Matt Burkett of the Monstrosities vlog. I think Matt's going to join in later, but if you visit Siskoid or BW Media today, you should see their Top 10 Kaiju lists too. [Update: Here's Siskoid's list. Here's BW Media's. And That F'ing Monkey, Laughing Ferret, and Let's Rap with Cap have gotten into the action too. Yay!]

My list is below, but first, a few explanations/disclaimers:

1) I'm not as well-versed in the Tohoverse as I'd like to be. David, Diane, and I are working our way through the Godzilla films chronologically and we've only made it through 1969's All Monsters Attack so far. Some of the old Godzilla movies are surprisingly hard to find in the U.S. and we've been stalled out waiting to find a way to watch Godzilla vs. Hedorah. We're finally going to skip ahead and move on, but as of right now I've never seen a Gigan or Megalon movie. While I expect them to be awesome, they can't be on my list until I've seen them in action.

2) I decided for the purposes of this list that giant robots are a separate category. I sometimes see Mechagodzilla and Iron Giant on lists of giant monsters, but as much as I like them, they're not on mine. I've spent too much time having giant robots try to kill giant monsters, so they can't co-exist in my head.

3) These are my favorite giant monsters, not my favorite stories about giant monsters. That would be a whole different list. For example, I love Them!, but giant ants themselves didn't crack my Top 10.

4) In spite of the tongue-in-cheek, hyperbolic superlative in the title of this post, standard list-making rules apply about how these are my personal favorites. Your list will be different and I'd love if you share how in the comments.

10. Brainblob (Kill All Monsters)



This is totally self-serving and I apologize, but I really do like a lot of the monsters we came up with for KAM. Especially this transparent, gelatinous blob with a brain floating in it.

9. Kraken (Clash of the Titans, 1981)



I love that Ray Harryhausen decided against a traditional, squid-like kraken in favor of this giant, mermanoid sea monster. The only reason it's not higher on my list is because it appears so briefly and is easily defeated. As awful as the 2010 remake was, I do like how it extended the kraken's appearance into an actual battle.

8. Tarantula



I'm pretty terrified of normal-sized tarantulas, which are plenty big enough. Blowing one up to this size makes it the most horrifying creature on this list.

7. Gamera



We finally watched Gamera the movie the other night and I wasn't too impressed with it. Or Gamera the monster, for that matter, at least at first. By the time the military knocked Gamera on its back and were congratulating themselves (because turtles are notorious for not being able to right themselves from that position), I was barely paying attention. But that's when Gamera pulled into its shell, shot jets out of its leg holes, and turned itself into a flying saucer. The movie may still suck, but the monster is crazy and awesome.

6. King Ghidorah



Godzilla had sort of an identity crisis in the '60s as he waffled between villain and hero. What I like about King Ghidorah - besides his three heads and batwings - is that he's consistently evil and powerful enough that the "good" monsters have to team up to bring him down. A great antagonist.

5. Ymir (20 Million Miles to Earth)



This Harryhausen creation bears a slight resemblance to the kraken, but I love that fishy look, so it doesn't bother me. And though the Ymir isn't as huge as the other monsters on this list, it gets bonus points for being a sympathetic creature. It doesn't ask for any of the things that happen to it and is dangerous only because it's a wild creature that humans have forced into our environment. That theme goes a long way with me (see No. 1).

4. Godzilla



Speaking of themes, I'll always love Godzilla if based on nothing but the strength of that first movie in 1954. He was a perfect metaphor for the horrors of nuclear weapons and it's kind of a shame that he would eventually be known for hanging out with Minilla (aka Son of Godzilla) and dancing jigs. Still, he's the icon and it's impossible for me to put him lower than this.

3. Mothra



Mothra introduced actual personality to giant monsters in the Tohoverse. Until her, there was a vague sense of who Godzilla and his fellow kaiju were, but they was malleable to the needs of their plots. Mothra, thanks greatly to the innovation of letting her speak through the Tiny Beauties, has a consistent personality. What's more, it's a lovely one that's protective not only of her home island, but humanity in general. She's directly responsible for turning Godzilla into a legitimately heroic character, but whatever I think of that development, Mothra's asking Godzilla to make that change fits perfectly with her characterization and it's cool that she did it.

2. Belloc (Firebreather)



The main character in Phil Hester and Andy Kuhn's Firebreather is the son of a human woman and a giant monster named Belloc. Hester has talked about how Belloc was inspired by Marvel's Fin Fang Foom (who just barely missed my list), which explains not only his general look, but also his intelligence. What I love about Belloc is that he's actually a complex character with conflicting motivations that lead him to do interesting things. Of all the monsters on this list, he's the most fully realized.

1. King Kong



I won't be surprised if I get some grief for featuring Peter Jackson's version of Kong instead of Ray Harryhausen's, but though I love the original film from 1933, Kong was just a monster to me in it, and one with a goofy smile. The story was all great, but as cool as that stop-motion gorilla was, I never connected to it.

Jackson's version - thanks to Andy Serkis' performance and Naomi Watt's reactions to it - turned Kong into a character I felt something for. He's not as complicated as Belloc, but he's no less relatable and the end of Jackson's film breaks my heart (in a good way) every time. I truly don't get the hate for it.

Really though, almost any version of Kong could make the top spot on my list just for being a giant gorilla who fights dinosaurs on a jungle island shaped like a skull. Does not get any better than that.

13 Movies I Hated in 2012

Since I'm basically counting down to my Top 10 at the end of the month, here's the bottom of the list, in order from most hated to least.

43. Wrath of the Titans



I wasn't going to see this after learning my lesson with the Clash of the Titans remake, but my son loves Greek mythology and enjoyed Clash, so he was looking forward to it and we went. He's ten and enjoyed it, but it taught me that when Sam Worthington says he's only going to do a sequel because they fixed all the problems with the first one: Do Not Believe Him.

42. Safe House



No surprises in this movie and I so did not care what happened to anyone in it.

41. Dark Shadows



Should've been called Wasted Talent. I love pretty much everyone in this movie, but it was a boring, nonsensical mess.

40. Taken 2



There was one point in Taken 2 where I thought they might have found something interesting to do with these characters. After the events of Taken, I can understand why Liam Neeson and Maggie Grace's characters may have turned a little dysfunctional with Neeson's being overprotective and Grace not really sure whether she appreciates that or not. That would've been a cool dynamic to explore, especially if Grace then had to turn around and save Neeson somehow, but it was dropped in favor of simply remaking the first one.

39. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter



Great premise, but it was a mistake to try to fold in Lincoln's entire life. The adventures of Young Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter would have been enough. Skipping ahead and telling a whole, second story of Old Lincoln was too much. Plus, these vampires really aren't that interesting.

38. Resident Evil: Retribution



I'm a big, big fan of the Resident Evil movies, but this was a horrible entry. It does very little to advance the series' overarching plot, but it's also weak even as a standalone movie. It sets up a mission, explains what the heroes have to do to complete that mission, then shows them doing it. Yawn.

Also, it introduces some smart, badass, new characters, then has them do extremely dumb and weak things just to prolong the drama.

37. American Reunion



This was my first American Pie movie, so I had no nostalgic attachment to it. Mostly I just wanted to see what everyone's been talking about all these years and watch Alyson Hannigan and Seann William Scott in these roles that they became famous for. Unfortunately, it was more gross and creepy than funny.

36. Wanderlust



This was actually funny, but I have a problem with adultery's being introduced to push a plot along without dealing with the emotional fallout from it. I know it's my own hang-up, but I've seen cheating seriously screw up too many of my friends' marriages. There are always repercussions and it feels cheap to me when cheaters are let off the hook too easily. By all means, have some adultery in your movie. Just deal with it honestly when you do.

35. Seven Psychopaths



I wanted a fun, Guy Ritchie-esque crime movie, not a deconstruction of that genre with nothing new or interesting to say about it. There are some fun - even great - performances (Walken!), but even then I felt ripped off by how little Olga Kurylenko is in it.

34. Battleship



I was seriously surprised that this isn't my most hated movie of the year, but there was some genuinely fun, pulpy adventure in between all the cynical, stupid predictability.

33. This Means War



More fun that it deserved to be, mostly because all three stars are so likable. But it's an implausible story, both in how Chris Pine and Tom Hardy use government resources, and in the decision Reese Witherspoon makes at the end.

32. Snow White and the Huntsman



I might would have liked this more except that it was supposed to be the good Snow White movie this year and it sucked in comparison to the utterly lovable Mirror Mirror. Singing dwarves work for The Hobbit, but they're laughable here. Kristen Stewart looks as sleepy and bored as ever and there is NO WORLD in which she's fairer than Charlize Theron.

Still, Theron does a fantastic job and I love the motivations the film gives her character. And Chris Hemsworth is always cool.

31. Total Recall



I'm not a huge fan of the original, so I wasn't opposed to the idea of remaking it, but this version commits a multitude of sins. It tries to update the plot, but leaves gaping holes in the process and doesn't present some key scenes as effectively as the original.

You know what covers a multitude of sins though? Kate Beckinsale kicking ass. Which she totally does all over this movie.

Jungle Girls Attack! | Communist natives and giant griffins

I've been catching up on a folder full of links to jungle girl comics. Amongst the standard, natives-on-the-rampage and white-people-ruin-everything plots I found a couple with some noteworthy differences:

Cave Girl vs the Mau Mau Killers



Cave Girl trails a gang of ruthless natives to save a baby, but I like how these aren't just your typical baby-killing savages. Oh no...



...these are Soviet-trained, baby-killing savages. Never change, Cold War.

Nyoka, the Jungle Girl and the Sinister Jungle Myth



This one's interesting because Nyoka's not your typical, fur-wearing jungle girl. I usually prefer loincloth-wearing vine-swingers to modern safari-leaders (that goes for dudes as well; I'm looking at you, Jungle Jim), but after all the cookie-cutter jungle girls from the '40s, it's refreshing to see a different type. As Chuck Wells from The Comic Book Catacombs points out, the comic version is based on the movie serial and not the Edgar Rice Burroughs novel that supposedly inspired them both, but it's still cool. Especially since this story has Nyoka trying to clear her name by hunting giant griffins.



Though I'm kind of shocked at how she chooses to resolve the problem. I don't want to spoil anything before you go read it, but seriously...there had to have been a better way.

10 Movies I Didn't Care For in 2011

47. Immortals



It sure was pretty, but the story made no damn sense beyond the general outline of the plot. All form; no substance.

46. Season of the Witch



I really wanted to like this movie; partly because I wanted to see a spooky story about a lone warrior taking on the medieval church, but also because I wanted to like Nicholas Cage in a movie again. I can't talk about why I disliked this without going into spoilers, so I'll just say that I wasn't at all pleased with either the major plot twist or the way the climax was executed in general. There's some nice mood in this movie, but it supports nothing.

45. Killer Elite



It's partially disguised by the device of having an antagonist who's not entirely a bad guy, but there's no hiding that it's filled with cliché after action-movie cliché, starting with the former assassin who's new, peaceful life is threatened when he's forced to perform One Last Job. So many actors that I like - especially Yvonne Strahovski - wasted.

44. Tower Heist



There were a couple of hilarious moments that weren't spoiled in the trailer, so that's good. I even liked a lot of the characters; especially the ones played by Michael Peña and Matthew Broderick. But the hitch in the heist was lame and led to an unbelievable and unsatisfying conclusion. And though Eddie Murphy was funnier than he's been in a live-action film in years, this wasn't the role to spotlight his comeback. He's playing essentially the same function that Jamie Foxx did in Horrible Bosses, but Foxx was funnier. Way funnier.

43. Your Highness



So unfunny. The only redeeming quality is Natalie Portman's butt.

42. Unknown



Not anything like Taken, which is what it wanted you to think it was. Characters do things for no good reason and January Jones' performance is unwatchable. Liam Neeson and Diane Kruger are fun to watch together though and it sure was nice to see Aidan Quinn again, even in something like this.

41. The Ides of March



Great performances, but the movie's only message seems to be that Politics Suck. I already knew that.

40. Hugo



I feel guilty about putting Hugo behind Cowboys & Aliens, but let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Hugo presented itself as a steampunk story with a central mystery about an automaton and a secret key. That's the movie that I went to see, but it's not the movie that Hugo is. Hugo is a love letter to the history of cinema; a concept I can get behind, but not while I'm waiting for mystic doors to open and reveal an awesome world of clockworks and magic. I'm interested in seeing this again and re-evaluating it for what it is, but until then I'm stuck with disappointment.

39. Cowboys & Aliens



Some of my favorite fimmakers got together and hacked out this SyFy original movie. The low point in several people's careers. And yet, they're all people I love.

38. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides



I've already talked about this one at length, but the gist of my complaint is that it's cartoonish and doesn't follow through on the themes or characterizations from the first three films. What saves it is Penélope Cruz' complicated character and its just being a Pirates of the Caribbean movie with all the jungle/island/sea adventure that comes with that (even if it doesn't make a lot of sense).

10 movies I didn't care for in 2010

Unlike yesterday's list, these movies did have something positive about them. Not enough to make me like any of them, but enough to keep me from screaming that I wanted my two hours back right after.


Number 40



I appreciated that it made an attempt to fill in Fred Krueger's backstory and even played with the idea of turning him into a sympathetic character. But then it wussed out Big Time and just remade the original.

Number 39



I don't have a high tolerance for romantic comedies, but this had a couple of things going for it. I love movies with large casts and intertwining plots (Playing by Heart and Crash, for instance) and I like a lot of the people in this one (mostly folks from Alias and Grey's Anatomy, and Anne Hathaway and Queen Latifah). But there was an unfortunate, anthology-like feel to it where - even though the stories connected - they weren't consistent in tone or quality and I found myself wishing to skip past many of them, even when they featured a favorite actor.

Number 38



I knew what I was getting into by going to see this, but there was nothing else going on at the theater that week. Two years ago, I was a big Gerard Butler fan, but with The Ugly Truth, Gamer, and Law Abiding Citizen he's been working hard to fix that. On the other hand, while I don't like a lot of romantic comedies, I do like certain things about them and The Bounty Hunter managed to push a couple of those buttons. Not creatively,  mind you, but in that knee-jerk, "I like it when they do that" way. And Butler and Aniston are nice to look at. I have to take Jennifer Aniston in small doses, but this is the first thing I've seen her in since the last season of Friends.

12 movies I hated in 2010

They say that every cloud has a silver lining. If that's true, the silver linings in these storm clouds were bolts of lightning about to strike the tree I was standing under. From worst to...well, "best" doesn't seem like the appropriate word, but "least worst" maybe:

Number 52



I wrote a full review for the Kill All Monsters! blog, but the short version is that Skyline had no story. It was an idea for a story, but it went nowhere and ended at what should have been the movie's halfway point. Horrible.

Number 51



The movie that proved that M Night Shyamalan is so far gone that he doesn't even have to direct the movie for it to suck. Devil didn't make any sense and replaced Plot and Character Motivation with things like Fate and Whatever Shyamalan Decided to Pull Out of His Butt.

Quotes of the Week: Becoming Santa

I'm watching A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart as Scrooge. As well acted as it is, there are so many inaccuracies. For instance, there's no rat-accountants in Scrooge's office. Also they've completely missed the other Marley brother, and their song. As a matter of fact, there's no songs at all. Next there'll be no Fozziwig's Rubber Chicken Factory. Avoid.
--Gavin Spence

Santa isn't about ontology. It's about giving gifts and not taking credit for them. Learning the joy of finding the perfect gift for a loved one and watching them open it. To see the joy and surprise and tears when they open it. It's about learning to become Santa.
--Richard Beck

What we’re setting out to do with [Clash of the Titans 2] — the writers and the director and myself — is improve. I think I can act f***ing better, to be honest…Just take all the notes from people that I have been reading about on the ‘net and give them a movie they f***ing want.
--Sam Worthington