7 Days in May | Hailee Steinfeld vs the Mummy

The Mummy (2017)



Disappointing. Or it would have been had the extremely negative reviews not lowered my expectations. But still disappointing compared to the hopes I had for the Tom Cruise-starring launch of a Universal Monsters movie series. I have no problems with old dudes in action movies, but the script clearly thinks he's at least 20 years younger than he is. And contradictory to Universal's claims, it's not actually scary. It's an adventure story that has more in common with the 1999 Mummy than the 1932 one.

But that's not necessarily a bad thing and I had a good enough time with it. It's not the strong start to the Dark Universe (hate that name) that I wanted, but it's a harmless, mostly engaging summer flick.

The Edge of Seventeen (2016)



The mix between drama and comedy leans more heavily towards drama than the charming and funny trailer led me to believe, but it's still really, really good. And funny. But also heart-breaking and uplifting and completely relatable. Anyone who knows what it's like to hold the simultaneous views that you are the center of the universe, but also completely worthless will appreciate what Nadine's (Hailee Steinfeld) going through.

Resident Evil (2002)



And people say there are no good video game movies.

Seriously, I don't know why this has a bad reputation. It's a simple, clear plot complicated by some cool obstacles and nice twists. And Milla Jovovich is awesome in it.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)



I'm going to have to change my "I don't like zombie movies" stance, because the exception list is getting long. This one's even more straight-up zombie movie than the first Resident Evil and in spite of that, I like it even better. Alice (Jovovich) is in full-on butt-kick mode, there are a bunch of fun, new (and yes, cliché, but still fun) characters, and again: clear, simple plot with plenty of action to keep it moving.

Mannequin (1987)



I've been catching up on some episodes of the Cult Film Club podcast that I have bookmarked and Mannequin was next on the list. I loved this movie back in the day and saw it multiple times in the theater. It's goofy and never explains the rules of whatever fantasy or magic is going on in it, but it's also super funny and oddly sweet. Andrew McCarthy was never high on my list of favorite Brat Packers (those spots are all saved for Breakfast Club alumni), but I always liked him in roles like this and Pretty in Pink where he just gets to be pleasantly sincere. That hasn't changed.

I think I remember some culture shock about James Spader's performance when I originally saw this, because I love him as Pretty in Pink's handsome and powerful Steff and didn't like that he was so greasy and snivelling in Mannequin. But years later, after seeing him in many other things, I love what he's doing in Mannequin and that he went with a different spin on what could have been the exact same role.

The rest of the cast is great, too; especially Meshach Taylor and GW Bailey.

Rambo: First Blood, Part II (1985)



David and I watched First Blood back in January and it's just taken us this long to get to the sequel. It's not as good as First Blood, but it's still an effective commentary on the US' emotions around the Vietnam War and has some great action sequences. It's starting to get into over the top territory (tee hee), but it's still somewhat grounded and not full-on Rambo III, which I'll likely never watch again.

Ben-Hur (1959)



This Spring we watched the 2016 version and it wasn't great, but was better than expected and made Diane want to check out the '59 version. I couldn't talk her into the 1925 silent version that I like better, but I wanted to rewatch Heston, too, so we finally did that.

My dad always referred to this as the Star Wars of his generation and I can see why. It's a cool story and an amazing spectacle. I can imagine going back to the theater over and over just to rewatch the chariot race alone. And that's exactly what people did in 1959.

It's taken me a few years to understand the whole "Tale of the Christ" sub-title, because Jesus Christ only makes a couple of cameos (though they're prominent and significant). But the whole movie really is about how Christ's teachings about love and vengeance end up affecting the main character. It's wisdom that needs remembering, so I was happy to revisit it.

Three Godfathers (1936)



I think I added this to my list last Christmas, because someone described it as a Western version of the Three Magi story. Which I guess it is, but only symbolically in that it's about three men who make sacrifices for the benefit of an infant at Christmastime. But in this case they're three outlaws in various stages of hard-heartedness. I really liked Lewis Stone's character, who's the first to cave when it comes to taking in the baby, but I had a tough time buying the journey of Chester Morris' character. He's the most wicked of the bunch, so his change should be the most effective, but he doesn't sell it to me. Curious if the 1948 John Ford/John Wayne remake handles that better.

The Plainsman (1936)



Ever since watching The Young Riders for Hellbent for Letterbox, I've been interested in movies about Bills both Wild and Buffalo. This one's got both, starring Gary Cooper as Wild Bill Hickok and James Ellison (I Walked With a Zombie) as Buffalo Bill Cody. Jean Arthur pretty much steals the movie as Calamity Jane, though.

It's a fun movie that condenses a lot of history into a manageable narrative (and tells you up front that that's what it's doing). Not super essential, but it makes a nice sequel to The Young Riders.

The Mask of Zorro (1998)



As I'm closing in on the end of Disney's Zorro series, I figured to close out on the rest of the Zorro movies I've been meaning to watch, too. I've seen Mask several times and in spite of never being able to buy Anthony Hopkins as Diego, I love it. He may not be remotely Spanish, but Hopkins is charming and it's cool how he becomes the new Bernardo to Antonio Banderas' new Zorro. Banderas is an awesome swashbuckler and I like that Mask is a sequel to the original stories while also giving us the origin story that we've never really gotten before. Catherine Zeta Jones is perfect in it, too.

Zorro's Fighting Legion (1939)



I'm going to have to come back and try this again after putting some distance between myself and the other Zorro films. It's probably a decent enough serial, but it doesn't feel at all like Zorro to me. Reed Hadley is playing Don Diego and does some fencing (unlike the Son of Zorro serial from eight years later), but he's got a flat, American accent and - worse - the eponymous legion to share time and spotlight with. I'll think I'll eventually be able to enjoy it as a Western, but it ain't Zorro and I decided not to finish it.

River of Death (1989)



Speaking of not finishing things, I had high hopes for a movie about Michael Dudikoff (American Ninja) traveling a jungle river to search for a lost city and fight some Nazis played by Robert Vaughn and Donald Pleasance. But holy crap this was boring. Dudikoff is passionless and the movie does zero work to build any relationship between his character and the girl he's supposed to be risking his life to rescue. I own it (it came in a box with the awesome Brenda Starr), so I may give it another shot one day, but it'll be a while, if ever.

On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers



Very well written in terms of craft. Powers knows how to create captivating characters and give them distinct voices. He's also great at period details and introducing a compelling mystery.

Where the book lost me was halfway through when the magic fully took over from the nautical adventure. It becomes full-on fantasy and the villains might as well be wearing pointy hats with stars. Also, the one female character is nothing but a MacGuffin for the hero to chase after and try to protect. I didn't finish this, either.

Jam of the Week: "How Far I'll Go" by Auli'i Cravalho

I may relate to Moana a bit too much. No one knows how deep it goes.

The LXB adds to my list of favorite films

I'm going to take the week off from the LXB (I'm unqualified to talk about reality TV treasure hunters), but won't let that keep me from pointing out that last week's Top Ten Movies assignment was super popular and successful.

I especially love the themed lists that three of the members came up with, so I'll list those first.

• Top Ten Monkey Movies [Cool and Collected]
• Top Ten Time Travel Movies [Cavalcade of Awesome]
• Top Ten Vincent Price Movies [AEIOU and Sometimes Why]

But, as predicted, there were lots of movies that could easily have gone on my own list.

• Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Summer School, Back to the Future, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off [Flashlights Are Something to Eat]
• Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Monty Python and the Holy Grail [Life With Fandom]
• Can't Buy Me Love and The Avengers (I debated including The Avengers on my list, but decided I needed some distance from it to give it an objective ranking. I'm glad to see not everyone was that shy, because my feeling is that it deserves to be there.) [Random Toy Reviews]
• Terminator, Die Hard, and First Blood [Movie Hodge Podge]
• This is Spinal Tap [That Figures, who gets bonus points for also picking Night of the Demon.]
• Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Aliens, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and Batman (1966) [My pal Erik Johnson]
• The Crow [Jason Vorhees]
• Lean On Me [Team Hellions]

Some of those were picked by multiple bloggers, so I linked to the one I saw first. Seriously, the LXB roll call on this one is full of great films, so if you're looking to kill some time, you should check them all out.

LXB | March Madness: Bourne vs Rambo

For the first three weeks of March, we're going to answer the question, one match at a time, of who would win if 12 movie tough guys were airdropped into an abandoned city and only one could escape.

Up until now, the photos I've used for Jason Bourne have been of him looking nonchalant or vaguely pissed off while his opponent postures as badassly (it is so a word; shut up) as possible. The reason being that Bourne's so tough that he doesn't need to pose or even get worked up to beat most of the guys in this tournament. But that doesn't apply to John Rambo.

This whole time, I've been thinking that Bourne comes out the winner of the whole thing. I hadn't thought it all the way through; that was just my gut. He's as superhuman as you can be without becoming Ash. But as I'm looking through images of John Rambo and reliving especially First Blood and Rambo: First Blood, Part Two, I'm reminded of how unbelievably tough and insane he is. I dinged Martin Riggs for being nuts, but his craziness comes from a death wish that can only hurt him in a tournament for survival. Rambo's insanity is all about survival.

I've said about a few other characters that they don't stop until the job gets done, but I think that's only because we haven't yet seen their limits. Their limits are way beyond a normal person's, but there's no reason to believe that they don't exist. For Rambo, I'm not sure that they do. On top of that, he's equally effective in urban and wild environments and capable of using either to kill you from miles away.

Jason Bourne, on the other hand, is a master strategist and a superstar at combat. Rambo's not going to catch him in any trap, so it's going to come down to sneaking up on Bourne and taking him out before he knows Rambo's there. But can Rambo do that? In the films, Rambo is jaw-droppingly effective against sheriff deputies and grunt soldiers, but Bourne is neither of those. Eventually, Rambo's going to have to fight Bourne hand-to-hand and as long and hard-to-win as that fight's going to be, I think the victor is clear.

LXB | March Madness: Bruce Lee vs John Rambo

For the first three weeks of March, we're going to answer the question, one match at a time, of who would win if 12 movie tough guys were airdropped into an abandoned city and only one could escape.

Round 2 begins! And again my ignorance about Bruce Lee is going to influence my call, only not in his favor this time. As legendary as Bruce Lee is, he's all about the martial arts right? 'Cause you kind of have to get up close for that. And while Rambo can get really, really close without your knowing it, that's not the only trick in his repertoire.

Unless Bruce Lee has supernatural senses of some kind, I say Rambo takes him out long-range before he's even aware of it.

LXB | March Madness: Rambo vs Dirty Harry

For the first three weeks of March, we're going to answer the question, one match at a time, of who would win if 12 movie tough guys were airdropped into an abandoned city and only one could escape.

This one's easy. As John Rambo demonstrated at the end of First Blood, he's unstoppable even in an urban environment. It's going to take more than a giant pistol and a catch phrase to beat him.

And Now the News: So Many Ways to Take a Life

Here's the rest of the news from last week that (mostly) wasn't about Disney's buying Marvel.

Meandering Aquaman

The Stonechat Museum - a Hawkman blog - picked up a quote I missed from Dan Didio about the difficulty of finding a spot for Aquaman in the current DCU:

Where is Aquaman: Rebirth? It’s hard for us to do a Rebirth because Rebirths stand for something to us. It’s a particular character returning who had the lead mantle of that character, and him being re-established in the world. Aquaman has never been removed from the role, with the exception of maybe what we did with the One Year Later. It’s a different sensibility going on there.

The other thing with Aquaman is he never got the level of traction the other characters did. He never broke free. Most people’s references to Aquaman really are the cartoon series from the 1960s and Super Friends. We look at Aquaman a lot of times and say "What is the iconic interpretation?" When we do that, you have 15 different answers because the problem with Aquaman ... is that every time he was rebooted, the origin was moved a little bit to the right, moved a little to the left, moved around half way and then it came back three quarters. He never really had a clear change and his story just meandered along. Our goal following Blackest Night, if there is an Aquaman, would be to make sure to get clear what the iconic interpretation is and present it in the best light possible.

I don't have any real concern that DC's going to leave Aquaman dead at the end of Blackest Night, but what this does sound like is that there are no definite plans for him yet. They're still feeling their way around, trying to get to that "iconic interpretation." Which is strange, since Didio says what the iconic interpretation is right there in his comments: the '60s and '70s cartoons. Maybe those are what I should be checking out instead of old issues of Justice League.

Doris Danger: Giant Monster Adventures



It's like they're making this stuff just for me now.

The Three-D Musketeers

Paul WS Anderson is adapting The Three Musketeers in 3D. I have a hard time getting as upset about this as /Film does. Anderson's not a brilliant director or anything, but he's no Uwe Boll either. I've very much enjoyed the Resident Evil movies and it's not like there aren't a zillion, other, good Musketeers movies to fall back on if this one blows.

And really? I don't get what /Film is complaining about other than some justifiable concern that Anderson may not make a very good movie. He wants to make a Musketeers film that's "rich in eye-popping action, romance and adventure?" Good! That's exactly what a Musketeers film should be. And it's kind of putting words in his mouth to say that he wants to make a "non-period period film" when all that he really said was that he didn't want the "corsets and feathered hats" to be the focus. I don't want them to be the focus either. The Three Musketeers shouldn't be The Duchess.

Gripe all you want that Anderson's making another movie. I do that about Michael Bay all the time. Just don't pretend that he's ruining some sacred franchise by doing a new version of it with some cool technology.

Untitled Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz Spy Movie

Double O Section has new information about the cool-sounding spy movie formerly known as Wichita. Like most people, I've been skimming over Wichita news because of the non-descript title and missing that it's about a woman whose life is turned upside down when her blind date turns out to be a super spy and takes her on a violent, worldwide journey to protect a powerful MacGuffin.

Fantastic Four movie reboot

I think it's interesting that on the very day the Disney/Marvel deal was announced Fox let everyone know that they're starting from scratch and making a completely new Fantastic Four movie. All they have so far is a new screenwriter with a shaky resumé, but - as much as I'll miss Chris Evans - I welcome the attempt. Please please please let them get it right this time.

Half-Minute Horrors



How scared can you get in 30 seconds? Lemony Snicket, James Patterson, Neil Gaiman, R.L. Stine, and others want to help you find out.

Dark Days direct-to-DVD movie has a director



That's good news. The bad news is that Melissa George isn't returning as Stella. Not that no one else can play the role, but it would've been nice to see her back if only for continuity's sake. Hopefully they'll find someone who (with a new Eben) can stick around for a while and make future sequels like Return to Barrow and Eben and Stella.

Still, Dark Days is my favorite of the 30 Days of Night books and I'm looking forward to seeing how this comes out. Especially since Steve Niles has a co-writing credit on the screenplay. The director (and other writer) is Ben Ketai, who's been involved with the 30 Days of Night web shorts.

Rambo V: The Savage Hunt

This story on the proposed next film in the Rambo series sounds like it's trying very hard not to say the word "werewolf," but I totally hope that's what it's about.

Trick 'r Treat review



I've been hoping that Trick 'r Treat is as cool as that poster makes it look. According to /Film, it is.

Inglourious Wizerds



"That’s why every sonofabitch we find wearin’ a Death Eater mask, they’re gonna die."

It gets said often, but still not enough: Chris Sims is a genius.

No more Harryhausen comics



Ray Harryhausen and Bluewater Comics have parted ways, each saying that they're the party who made the decision to leave. The only disappointing part of that news is Harryhausen's statement that there are "no plans to move the properties to another publisher," because frankly the world needs Harryhausen comics. We just need some with a professional level of art that Bluewater hasn't been providing.

Of course, "no plans" doesn't mean that Harryhausen wouldn't consider other offers; just that there aren't any attractive ones on the table right this second. Hopefully someone will step up and make some comics worthy of the man's imagination. Of course, I'd rather have no Harryhausen comics than deal with the frustration of constantly seeing ones on the shelves that I have to pass up because they're awful.

Steampunk Art at Oxford



Brother Calvin's turned up a steampunk art exhibit at Oxford University. Reason #5,695 that I need to visit Britain.

May Theatrical Releases

This Weekend

Iron Man: I'm not a fan of the character, but I am a fan of Robert Downey Jr. His charisma -- along with Jon Favreau's passion for the movie -- makes me way more excited about this than I ever thought I would've been.

Son of Rambow (limited release): The poster makes this look like a cheesy kids' movie, but the trailer reveals what looks to be a really funny, really charming British comedy.

May 9

Speed Racer: Another property that I never cared about until I started seeing trailers. I didn't think I was so distractable with pretty colors, but the look of this movie is mesmerizing. Now I know how my wife felt when she saw the Sin City trailers.

Of course, having Christina Ricci in it has nothing to do with my attraction to it. (Ahem.)

May 16

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian: Not sure why, but I'm looking forward to this one more than I did The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Maybe it's that I never read Prince Caspian and don't know what to expect. Maybe it's that it looks like a darker, less-Disneyesque film than the first one. Whatever it is, I'm into it.

Reprise (limited release): I'm not sure what to expect, but it's a film about writing and I'm curious to see what kind of themes they pull out of that subject.

May 23

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Do I even have to explain this one?

War, Inc. (limited release): I've got a very low tolerance for political satires, but this one about John Cusack as a spy trying to protect US oil interests in the Middle East while falling for liberal reporter Marisa Tomei looks fun. It hasn't forgotten to include the guns and explosions. Or Hillary Duff with purple hair and a Russian accent.

Rambo (2008)

Not bad. Not bad.

But it should've been so much better.

The plot is simple, as any Rambo plot should be. John Rambo reluctantly takes a group of missionaries upriver from Thailand into Burma. When they don't return as expected, he feels guilty and takes up a bunch of mercenaries the church has hired to extract the team. There will be blood.

Oh wait. That's another movie.

The violence is always the first thing that gets talked about with this movie, so I'm bucking the system by talking about the plot first. I'm radical like that. But the violence does need talking about so let me just say that I think I get what Stallone was trying to do.

In order to research the combat scenes, Stallone watched YouTube footage shot by soldiers in Iraq. He says, ''When you're hit with a 50-caliber gun, you are literally emulsified. It's not like a little bullet hole -- 'ouch, that hurts.' You're gone. Violence is horrifying. These characters aren't slightly wounded with little designer cuts. I wanted to show how brutal violence can be.''

The Rambo movies have always had some kind of political point, whether it's a complicated one like America's treatment of returning VietNam vets, fairly simple like how it blows that we left a lot of POWs there when we pulled out, or just plain stupid like how Russia totally sucked. I guess the point of this one is that war really sucks, which is a message I can get behind. The problem is that Rambo isn't really clear about communicating that message. That's why I had to go track down an interview with Stallone in order to figure out why he went so over-the-top on the blood and guts.

Rambo is the ultimate American soldier. The reason that First Blood and Rambo: First Blood, Part II (remember when we could just refer to it as Rambo? Sigh.) worked was because Rambo represented what American soldiers felt about VietNam: that it sucked that the US treated them so poorly, not only by leaving a bunch of them over there, but also by looking down on them when they came home. The reason Rambo III didn't work was because it there wasn't this mass of American soldiers wishing we could all go over and kick the Soviets out of Afghanistan. So, what does this new Rambo say about American soldiers today?

That's confusing. I don't hear a lot of soldiers today talking about how great it would be to provide relief to the persecuted Burmese. Not that I think soldiers would be opposed to that mission if we sent them on it; just that it seems like they have other things to think about right now what with the war and all.

But when I look at how the character of Rambo is presented in the new movie, I get another piece of the puzzle. When the movie opens he's still just as angrily defeated and disconnected from humanity as he's always been. He absolutely does not care about taking a bunch of (in his opinion) stupid missionaries up into a war zone. Not until the cute one says something about being willing to give your life so that someone else can live.

I totally get that part and it's an interesting comparison, the willingness to be a martyr for your faith and the willingness to die for your country. I understand why she changes his mind. She's reminded him of who he is. He hasn't acted like one in a long time, but he's a soldier. And as odd as it is, he connects with her because in her own way, she's a soldier too.

Maybe that's the point. That American soldiers, despite the horrible brutality of war, do what needs to get done. They put their lives at risk so that others can live. That jives with a short speech that Rambo gives the mercenary team when they're thinking about turning back in the face of overwhelming odds. "We're soldiers," he says. "This is what we do."

It also, I think, helps the ending make more sense. SPOILERS FOLLOW. I won't tell you what it is, but I didn't like it at first. Okay, actually, I still don't. Not that I hate what happens at the end, but I don't think it goes far enough. If this is the last Rambo movie, I want more closure to the character than we get. But what we do get fits into that "ultimate American soldier" mentality. It's the ending I think most American soldiers want for themselves. END SPOILERS.

But back to the closure issue, even though I think I get what Stallone's trying to say with this film, there's this whole other level at which it fails and that's as the raucous adventure flick that I wanted it to be.

'Cause even though First Blood (both parts) had points to make, they were still cool as hell action films. They were freaking Rambo for cryin' out loud! Rambo goes out into the woods chased by a bunch of prejudiced sheriff's deputies and he gives 'em what for! You don't f*** with John Rambo. You need someone to go in and rescue a bunch of POWs from an active camp full of vicious guards? You send in John Rambo. He sets traps, he hides in mud, he wraps freaking impossible to carry guns around one hand and blows his enemies to kingdom come. He kills with guns, he kills with knives, he kills with bows and arrows, and he kills with his bare hands. There is no military action hero cooler than John Frickin' Rambo.

Unfortunately, I didn't see enough of that guy in this movie.

Oh, there are moments. I won't spoil them for you, but there are some really cool moments and the middle half-hour of the movie is full of them. There's one scene that nearly made my head explode from how awesome it was. Again, I won't ruin it, but it starts with the words, "Give me the claymore." You'll know it when you see it. I peed... my... pants.

I wish there was more like that. MORE SPOILERS. I wish that after that scene he hadn't spent the rest of the movie standing in a truck behind a frickin' machine gun. Boring. END OF MORE SPOILERS.

It's kind of like what I was talking about in my Kill All Monsters! update below. Rambo has a good point to make and all, but it's just not as awesome as it should be. Not by a long shot.

Three out of five claymores.

January Theatrical Releases

January 4th

One Missed Call: This plot's been done to death, but I haven't seen any of the previous versions because frankly they looked like they sucked. The trailer for this one actually looks creepy though.

January 11th

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale: Oh, it's gonna suck. It's gonna suck hard. And yet, knowing that, I feel compelled to look. I know I'm gonna hate myself, but I just can't look away.

27 Dresses: Even though I like the occasional romantic comedy, there's no reason for me to think this'll be one of them except for Katherine Heigl and James Marsden. Especially Marsden. Heigl reminds me of Grey's Anatomy, which always brings me joy, but Cyclops is becoming one of my favorite actors.

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie: This sounds like the biggest sell-out in the world, but we're a Veggie Tales-loving family (it's all about Larry and the French peas) and, hey, it's the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.

January 18th

Cloverfield: I'm still not really excited about the hand-held camera concept, but it's a giant monster movie. How could I not go?

January 25th

Be Kind Rewind: (limited release) The poster for this did nothing for me because frankly I'd like to pretend that VHS never existed, but the trailer sold me with all the no-budget remakes of classic movies.

Rambo: I don't care if it sucks. If they made a new Commando movie, I'd go see it too. But after Rocky Balboa's good reception (I still haven't seen it, but I heard nothing bad), my hopes are up for this.