LXB | My Hollywood blockbuster

I'm still catching up to the rest of the League of Extraordinary Bloggers, so here's what I would do with the following assignment:

You are a big shot Hollywood movie producer with an unlimited budget. You need to assemble the ultimate ensemble cast for a movie that is sure to fill every movie theater seat around the world. Who do you hire and what kind of film are you going to make?

First, I'd buy my way into the head seat at the Pirates of the Caribbean table and hire Brad Bird to write and direct the next sequel with the following input from me. It would be called Pirates of the Caribbean: The Lost Colony and would have Jack Sparrow team up with my 17th century version of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen to find out what happened to the lost colony on Roanoke. (I know that Alan Moore already created a 17th century LXG, but mine's designed to be more commercial than Captain Owe-much and Amber St Clair. I totally stole my villains from his version though. And mine wouldn't actually be called the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen; it's just a collection of famous fictional characters from a particular period in history.)



Joining Captain Jack Sparrow would be the Three Musketeers, played by their 1993 versions: Oliver Platt, Charlie Sheen, and Kiefer Sutherland. Platt's always awesome, but Sheen and Sutherland are especially interesting to audiences right now (though for very different reasons).



Then we'd have Viggo Mortensen reprising his role as Captain Alatriste (which I still can't find in the US, dadgummit).



And Emma Stone as a sarcastic version of Hector Prynne from The Scarlet Letter.



Joining her would be a trio of Salem witches played by Lily Collins (Mirror Mirror), Molly Quinn (Castle), and Gabriella Wilde (last year's Three Musketeers).



So those are our good guys. What they learn is that the Roanoke colony disappeared as part of a scheme by Shakespeare's Prospero from The Tempest, played by Ian McKellen.



And of course Prospero is in partnership with supernatural forces led by the air spirit, Ariel (Devon Aoki).



Now...wouldn't you want to see that?

The rest of the LXB came up with some awesome movies that I'd want to see too.

• Life With Fandom developed the ultimate space opera starring (amongst others) Elijah Wood, Hugh Jackman, Will Smith, and The Rock against Ian McKellen and Karen Gillen. 
• Team Hellions created an all-female Expendables starring fifteen different butt-kicking women including some of my favorites like Angelina Jolie, Lucy Lawless, Chloe Moretz, Milla Jovovich, Kate Beckinsale, and Gina Carano.
• LXB-host Brian put together the ultimate Western starring Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Harrison Ford (I agree that he needs a do-over), Leonardo DiCaprio, Diane Lane, and Kate Beckinsale.

Check out Cool and Collected to see the rest of the dream blockbusters including a hackers flick, a live-action adaptation of the '80s Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, a Community movie that replaces the TV actors with movie stars, a Booster Gold/Blue Beetle buddy movie, and an all-new Cannonball Run.

Links du Jour: Infinite Shrek, Spider-Man 3, and Lushbians

Swashbuckling

• A commenter was nice enough to give me some more info on the Captain Alatriste movie: "Alatriste is done and released, at least in Spain, South America, Mexico and several other places. You can get the DVD (region 2) at DVDgo.com. It has shown at a few festivals in the U.S., but there is no scheduled release date here." Thanks! I'll be keeping my eyes open for US release dates, and Amazon's going to send me an alert when it's available on Region 1 DVD.
• Last week I mentioned that Antonio Banderas as Puss 'n Boots was the main reason I'm going to give Shrek 3 a look. It looks like I may soon be able to enjoy him without having to also endure the annoying ogre. Not that Dreamworks won't ask me to do that some more too.

Spies

• Mike Myers is planning another Austin Powers movie. God help us. My five year old son is learning that -- no matter how funny it was the first time -- you can't just tell the same joke over and over again and have it stay funny. Maybe he and Mike Myers should have a conversation.

Mystery

• ABC and the Lost producers have a schedule now for doling out the remaining episodes of the series. Basically, they'll be doing three more, shortened seasons of 16 episodes each. That sets the series to end in 2010. Earlier this year, Damon Lindelof was saying that they wanted to quit at four-and-a-half seasons. This new plan pads that out to about five full-length seasons (the equivalent of three full-length and three shortened ones). That means we'll get some filler, but I'm okay with that.

Fantasy

• I like talking animals. I'm not what you'd call a fan of the genre -- hell, I didn't even know it was a genre -- but I grew up watching Bugs Bunny and Disney cartoons, so of course I like talking animals. Didn't know there was a whole award program specifically for them though.

Superheroes

• Clio Chiang is one of my favorite artists and now she's got some superhero sketches up on her blog. That's her version of Gambit and Rogue illustrating this post. And that's exactly how I like to see Gambit and Rogue. Him: all flirty cockiness. Her: having none of it. Worst thing that ever happened to that couple was their going past flirtation into an actual relationship. Sam and Diane, man. Sam and Diane.
• They finally went and made it official. It's been true for years, but now it's right there in the title: Wolverine and the X-Men. Coming soon to a Saturday morning near you.

Writing is Hard

• I saw Spider-Man 3 over the weekend. I don't know if I want to write a full review of it, but the short version is that I was pretty disappointed. One of the reasons is that Venom just felt kind of forced into the whole thing. There was a great story in the film, but it got crowded out by the Venom parts. And here to explain why is Sam Raimi: "I had worked on the story with my brother Ivan. Primarily, it was a story that featured the Sandman. It was really about Peter, Mary Jane, Harry and that new character. When we were done, Avi Arad, my partner and president of Marvel at the time, came to me and said, 'Sam, you're not paying attention to the fans enough. You need to think about them. You've made two movies now with your favorite villains and now you're about to make another one with your favorite villains. The fans love Venom. He is the fan-favorite. All Spider-Man readers love Venom. Even though you came from '70s Spider-Man, this is what the kids are thinking about. Please incorporate Venom. Listen to the fans now.'" Worst advice ever.

Stuff Nobody Cares About but Me

• Lady, That's My Skull has coined an ingenious new word: "Lushbian, n., a woman who usually acts heterosexual but becomes all kissy-face with other women when they are all really drunk." You know you know one.
• This is why I don't get into anime. The Sci Fi Channel is starting a new feature called Ani-Monday. Great, says I. It'll be a chance for me to try out some anime from the ground floor instead of trying to jump into the middle of some ongoing series. But just look at some of the titles they're opening with. Ghost in the Shell: Solid State Society is a perfect example of how inaccessible these things are for new people. It's obviously a continuation of the Ghost in the Shell series, but which part is it? None of them are numbered so that you know what to go back and watch. They never are. Or if they are, it's like another Ani-Monday offering: Street Fighter II V. Are you freaking kidding me? And people say that comics are hard to jump into.
• Why, oh, why didn't I know there was a 2007 Keira Knightley calendar when it could've done me some good?

Links du Jour: Alatriste the Movie, a new Betty Ross, and another Tarzan gone

Adventure

• Holy crap! They're making a Captain Alatriste movie and it stars Viggo Mortensen! And it's in Spanish! (And so is the website, but it's pretty easy to navigate and the trailer is worth the effort.)


• We just lost a Tarzan recently when Herman Brix died, and now we've lost another. Gordon Scott played Tarzan in six different movies in the late '50s. I didn't think I'd seen any of his until I dug around a little and found out that he was the Tarzan in one of my favorites: Tarzan's Greatest Adventure, which features a 29-year-old Sean Connery as one of the villains. Unfortunately, that and most of Scott's others aren't available on DVD right now. He was 80 years old and died of complications after a heart surgery. There's a very nice obituary in the link.


• Related to Gordon Scott's passing, I also got an email from artist David Burton about a fundraiser he's doing to help offset Scott's funeral expenses for his family. According to the email, "I had originally planned on this to help actor Gordon Scott with his living expenses. But unfortunately I wasn't able to get things up and running in time due to a flood that killed our phone service (and thus internet) for nearly two weeks ... To honor him I created a site at Cafe Press. I wanted to let everyone know that I've heard from Mr. Scott's niece, Jane Tyler and she would like my help. This is the official announcement that everything sold at my Cafe Press site will help his family with funeral expenses. Unfortunately time is of the utmost and we need anyone who's interested in helping to visit the site and make a purchase. All profits from this site will go towards helping his family. Or if you would like, donations are being accepted at this address, please make all checks and money orders out to Jane Tyler: Gordon Scott/P.O. Box 335/Germantown, MD 20874." I don't know Mr. Burton, so obviously I can't vouch for him, but my personal belief is that he's legitimate, which is why I'm posting this. So... not telling you to give, but if you're moved to, now you have the information.

Fantasy

• David Yates, who's directing the upcoming Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, has just signed on to also direct the next Potter film: Half-Blood Prince.

Superheroes

• You know, even though I knew that the new Hulk movie was going to have all-new everything, it never occurred to me that that meant I was also going to have to give up Jennifer Connelly as Betty Ross. I'm not complaining that Liv Tyler is the replacement; just expressing my unjustifiable surprise. I like Liv, but I've had a crush on Connelly ever since someone pointed out to me how much she looks like Julie Adams.


• Geek Monthly has an interview with Greg Weisman, writer of next year's Amazing Spider-Man cartoon.

Stuff Nobody Cares About But Me

• Gilmore Girls is done. At least they saw it coming and made a season finale that'll also act as a series finale. And honestly? They were running out of ideas. Better to let it go now while it's still good and halfway believable.